And I'm changing.
I've taken myself to yoga class the past twelve of fifteen days.
I'm so proud of myself.
I've been regularly exercising for two weeks now.
One more week, and this will be a habit (or so say the experts).
This has brought discipline to my life which has not existed before.
I must drink enough water.
I must eat three hours prior to class in order to benefit fully.
I have a new rhythm, a determined focus which I have longed for.
I cried through the last half hour of my first class.
Sad for having waited so long to care for my body, my health.
Asking what sort of woman neglects herself for so many years.
Wondering why I would treat myself so poorly.
Devastated that I have believed the judgement of others against me.
and not God's voice.
But, then, after the tears, I found myself free.
Once again free.
Why, one might ask?
Why now and not before?
Why this and not that?
But I've been reflecting on this relatively simple transition a bit.
(When one is doing hot yoga for ninety minutes nearly every day, one has ample time for reflection.)
And I've discovered some things that are true now were not a year ago.
I am more free now than I was a year ago.
(With many thanks to http://theallendercenter.org/ and the work I've done with them this past year
And to God for giving me the courage and the cash to do it.)
I'm more free from the shadows of shame that have darkened my heart for decades, and kept me in hiding.
Free because I have described these frightening shapes honestly in the presence of trusted companions
and come away unashamed.
I'm free from the voices which have called me unlovely.
Free from these lies.
Free to believe Truth.
I see myself honestly now,
and I see Beauty.
I know that this is me,
that this is Truth.
I see gifts and power.
I am no longer afraid to be who I am, what I am.
I see my life, my self as creation that God calls good.
And I agree with Him.
You may not believe me.
My own body doubts me,
and clings stubbornly to the mantle of thick flesh in which it has hidden itself.
But I know that my redeemer lives.
And that he is making all things new.
(I have never been a dispensationalist.)